I have been surrounded by “happy” couples my entire life, and now that I am of marrying age a lot of those couples love to dole out advice. But what I have come to realize is that most couples aren’t really as happy as they pretend to be. They harbor secret hostility towards their mate and a sense of resentment. Let’s face it, people change. You can’t expect the person you married to stay the same person they were 20 years ago. And even worse, some people change, and not for the better, after marriage. The guy that you thought was Prince Charming can turn into the most rude, insensitive, jerk you’ve ever met. How can you be sure what you’re getting? Nowadays, most couples employ the use of pre-marital counseling before they exchange vows. It’s a way for the couple to work out the potential kinks that would ultimately result in their divorcing.

Most people get so caught up in planning a wedding that they forget to plan the actual marriage. Online worksheets are a great place to start as an indicator. Are you even getting married for the right reasons? If you are marrying your partner for any reason other than love and wanting to be committed to them for a lifetime, then you need to return the ring or pretend like you lost it, but really pawn it and take yourself on a shopping spree to recoup from your break-up. Once you’ve figured out if you’re getting married for the right reasons, there are a ton of follow up questions that you need to ask yourselves, and each other.

1. Will we keep our money in joint or individual accounts?
2. What kinds of things will we talk about first before buying?
3. Who is going to be in charge of paying bills and other expenses?
4. How much time do we expect to spend with each other and when?
5. Where will we live?
6. Will it be a big place or small place? How much room do we need?
7. How much will be able to afford?
8. Will we rent an apartment or do we want to buy a house?
9. How will we do that? How long will it take?
10. How will our careers affect our relationship?
11. What if one of us had a career opportunity that required a move to a
new city (or country)?
12. What if one of us, or both of us got fired or laid-off?
13. How important is money to our relationship and marriage?
14. What type of material possessions are important to you (each other)?
15. What is your definition of financial security?

While these aren’t all the questions you and your partner need to answer, they are definitely the main ones you need to talk out. The main point is that, even though we see the end of marriages splashed across the CNN crawler, it is a sacred thing not to be entered into lightly. So, after he/she pops the question but before you jump the broom really take the time to lay the ground work for a strong marital foundation. It would be a shame to spend all that money on a wedding just to shell out even more on a divorce a few years later.

In trying to figure out what to post today I stumbled across something known as “Controlled Separation.” Apparently it is a form of couples therapy. Let’s face it, if I were forced to deal with one person everyday for the rest of my life until one of us were lucky enough to die, then I might become a little aggravated with that person after awhile. That is the case for the couples who are trying this radical new form of therapy. Ultimately the goal of the separation is to allow couples to live separately while negotiating and working towards solving their marital problems in a neutral atmosphere.

With traditional marriage counseling the couple is in a neutral environment but then after the session they are immediately thrown back together without a present mediator when they go home and are still facing the same problems, which can result in the deterioration of any work that is done in the presence of the counselor they just left. When couples participate in a controlled separation, they continue couples therapy as well as individual therapy and are allowed to retire to there respective corners to reflect on what they are learning and deal with their personal issues. Before the separation ever takes place, the spouses sit down with their counselor and work out the details of the arrangement, nothing is left to chance. They decide who will move out, the length of the separation, how the time with kids will be divided, who is responsible for the pets, how to split the finances, will they spend time together as a family outside of counseling, who are they allowed to tell about the separation, will they still have sex with each other, can they date other people, if so are they allowed to be intimate with those people. It also states in the contract that no attorneys are allowed to be contacted during the separation and should one person need to change the details of the contract they will do so in the presence of the estranged spouse and a counselor. Working out these details before hand allows for both parties to concentrate on fixing what’s wrong in the marriage, and should things go sour they have already set up a contract that works, allowing for an amicable divorce.

I think this idea is quite ingenious, myself. If my husband and I were having problems this is something I would definitely try to save our marriage, and if things don’t work at least you know that you really tried. If you need more information on controlled separation click here.