Dear Ms. Sassy,
I’m a 28 year old male. I’ve been married for one year, barely, and my wife and I are already separated. We now live 800 miles apart and hardly ever see each other. Everything came to a head when we couldn’t get on the same page about when to start expanding our family. So, we decided to take a year off.

Well, with us living so far apart and me moving back to my hometown and hanging out with all my single friends, I’ve fallen into an affair. I don’t really know how it happened, it just did. I know I should break things off but I’m a man and I have needs. Besides, my wife is the one who put me out. Am I really wrong for seeking the comfort of another woman?
-One Year Itch

One Year Itch,
This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of. Who the hell separates from their spouse less than one year in?! Why did you even get married? I know you’re saying that starting a family is the reason for for the separation but I can’t help but think that there’s a deeper issue. Hell, any idiot can see that. Obviously you aren’t ready to have kids, that requires you to not be a selfish bastard, which you obviously are otherwise you wouldn’t be cheating on your wife.

What you need to do is put your tiny pee pee away and go home to your wife and offer to go to couples therapy. Bringing another woman into the equation isn’t going to solve anything as a matter of fact, if your wife finds out it’s going to make things a whole hell of a lot worse. Quit trying to recapture your days as a wild bachelor and act like a grown up. Break things off with your mistress and at least try to make things work with your wife. If after some counseling you come to the realization that you married her for all the wrong reasons then move forward with a divorce. Until then, keep your man-meat away from random women’s hoo-haas.
-Ms. Sassy

Ms. Sassy,
My boyfriend is a filthy pig. OK maybe I’m being a little over dramatic. He’s not so much a filthy pig as he is slovenly. Every time he sets foot in my apartment he leaves a path of destruction behind him. I don’t understand what he has against putting things back where he got them from. He finishes eating his food and just leaves his plate sitting on the counter. He’s the last one out of the bed and he doesn’t bother to make it up. And it’s not just him, my dad and my brother are the same way. I don’t understand why he can’t clean up after himself. I don’t go to his house and make a mess! WTH? How do I let him know that he’s driving me crazy without sounding like a total beeyotch?
-Housekeeper

Housekeeper,
OMG, I know exactly what you mean! My boyfriend is the exact same way. I’m with you I just don’t get it. Why do guys want to be in a relationship that closely mirrors that of a mother and son rather than as two adults as equals? I can’t stand cleaning up after my guy. I start yelling and slamming things, it’s a mess. I get to the point where I feel like my head is going to explode.

That being said, guys are sensitive, no matter how much they try to deny it. So I like to go with the passive aggressive approach. When he leaves something in disarray, I look him straight in the eye and ask, “Are you done with this,” while standing next to the mess. He then realizes what he did says, “Yes,” and jumps up to clean it. It works like a charm. And while I’m not a fan of being passive aggressive, well sometimes you just have to be.
-Ms. Sassy

Ms. Sassy,
WTH? My BF, whom I love very much is a freaking sex hound. Anytime we kiss it always leads to sex. All I want to do is make out sometimes but he says that I have great lips and once he kisses them it really turns him on and he wants to do more. It’s flattering, but I feel like I can’t touch him without his dick getting hard. How do I tell him to put “it” away without making him feel rejected?
-Kissing Only

Kissing Only,
Your lips must put Angelina Jolie’s to shame. I think it’s great that your guy is so attracted to you that just a little touch makes him want to rip your clothes off. Enjoy it while it lasts, because once the newness of the relationship wears off you can kiss that hyperactive sex drive goodbye.

For the time being just let your guy know that as much as you love having sex with him sometimes you just want to be physical without it always having to lead to sex. He’ll moan and groan at first, but he’s obviously into you so he’ll get over it. Plus it’ll add a little mystery into the equation and give him something to look forward to.
-Ms. Sassy

Is it just me or does Sasha Fierce look at lot like Beyoncé? She does right? She sounds a hell of a lot like her, too. And if Sasha Fierce is Beyoncé’s alter ego, does that mean that Jay-Z is doing two broads at once whenever he does Beyoncé?

For those of you who are clamoring to meet Sasha Fierce, and I can’t imagine there are that many of you, she hits stores today with a look and sound that she obviously ripped off from Beyoncé. Remember when Mariah Carey tried to pull this shit with The Emancipation of Mimi? Yeah, neither do I. That’s how whack it was. Well seeing as how I’m about sick of Beyoncé I’m pretty sure I won’t be too keen on Sasha Fierce, either. Oh well, nice try though Beyoncé.

Ms. Sassy,
I’m afraid I’ve run into a problem in my love life. I’ve been dating the most wonderful guy on and off for almost two years now. But now that I’m away at college two hours away, I don’t get to see him as often as I’d like, and that’s starting to pose a slight problem. You see, I am what my friends like to call a ‘contact whore,’ meaning that I thrive on physical contact. It’s always been relaxing and enjoyable to me to just go up to one of my friends and play with their hair, sit in their lap, or get a hug: sometimes all three. Now that I’m up here away from everyone who would do that normally, I’m starting to feel deprived.

And that’s where the new guy comes in. I’ve met someone up here. He’s sweet, he’s nice, he’s funny, he loves swing-dancing, and he gives the greatest hugs. So herein lies my problem. I’m starting to fall for him, and it’s really not good. I still have my guy from back home, but the longer I’m away, the less attached I feel. And now that I know that I’m not going to see my guy for over a month is really starting to kill, because once I find something to fill a void, I tend to stick to it. Like the new guy up here. I like him, and I think he likes me, but I still like my guy from home. I just don’t know what to do.
-Confused

Confused,
A “contact whore?” That is some new terminology for me. I have never heard of that before but now that I know the term I can definitely say that I knew a couple growing up. Although, it seems to me that you’re more of an “attention whore.” You do whatever to make sure someone is giving you attention, hence all the “contact.”

Now that that has been established, back to the problem at hand. You have a guy back home but due to all your shameless flirting have found yourself falling for a guy at school. You’re young, you’re in college stop tying yourself down to one guy. You’re too young to have figured this out yet but long distance relationships don’t last. Break things off with your guy from back home. Don’t mention the new guy who has your eye, simply let him know that you think you guys should cool things off for awhile because the distance is taking its toll on you. Then you’ll be free to explore things with the newbie, guilt free. Voilà! Ms. Sassy has solved your problems.
-Ms. Sassy

Dear Ms. Sassy,
My boys are back. We’re all living in the same town again since we all left for college. I’m really happy their back, we grew up together. But while they were gone I, of course, made other friends. One guy in particular kind of stepped into the role of my main “roll dog.” Well, now that my other two childhood friends are back I’ve tried to get us to all hang out together; it always ends badly. Things came to a head over the weekend when the new friend got thrown out of my old friends house party for talking smack to my old friend’s new girl. This whole thing is getting out of hand and at this point I feel stuck in the middle. I know it’s only a matter of time before I have to pick sides. Of course, I would choose my old friends over the new friend, who I’ve only known for 3 years. Is there anyway I can keep them from killing each other so we can all hang out?
-Boys or Bitches

Boys or Bitches,
Well, you certainly got your moniker right. Your friends really do sound like a bunch of punk ass bitches. maybe you should make sure they all have penises. However, in lieu of pantsing them and checking between their legs you need to get them all together and sit them down and explain that all the in fighting is not cool. Let them know that you really want all of you to be friends and to be able to get along. Then ask them what it will take to make that happen. If the talk ends in a stalemate, then you’ll just have to divide your time between the two groups of friends. Really there’s no need to choose sides. Hang out with whoever you feel like hanging out with when you feel like hanging out with them. And if both groups step on the others toes in a bid for your time, just choose whoever asked you first, or whichever outing sounds more fun.
-Ms. Sassy

Ms. Sassy,
I just started seeing this guy. He’s cute, great, and my sis loves him. Anyway, we’ve been dating for about 2 months now. He owns a business and I’m a daytime TV producer, so our schedules are hard to synchronize. Sunday, at about 2 a.m, he called me and we chatted. He was with his friends and I could tell he had been drinking. When I asked him about his plans for Sunday night he said he was planning on seeing me. Well, Sunday morning turned to Sunday afternoon, which turned to Sunday evening. Finally, at around 8 p.m. he called. He had been at a family dinner. Should I be offended that he flaked on plans with me or should I let it slide since I’m pretty sure the plans were made during a drunken dial.
-Drunken Dial

Drunken Dial,
This one is pretty cut and dry. On principal, I make it a point not to take anything my guy tells me seriously when he’s been drinking. NOTHING! Sure he wanted to go out with you, otherwise it wouldn’t have been on his mind to mention it. However, he probably forgot what you all even talked about last night. I forget if I had sex with my BF sometimes when I wake up in the morn. Yes, I know I sound like an alcoholic but what you call being a lush I call being sassy to the 10th degree. *wink*
So, I would shrug this off and chalk it up to the booze talking.
-Ms. Sassy

Last night, in true MTV style, TRL bid a fond farewell to the last 5 viewers it had left. After a 10 year run, MTV finally pulled the plug on it’s fledgling music video countdown show. I don’t know about you all but I used to love TRL when I was in high school. It was all the hot videos brought to us via Carson Daley with a quick guest spot here, and a shout out there. Remember when Mariah Carey stormed the stage in a tye-dye t-shirt and no pants and had a total melt down as we all watched in awe? Man, that was so classic! Then our beloved countdown show took a turn for the worst. Carson Daley moved on to bigger things and the show slowly morphed into an hour long promo spot. All the celebs stopped by to market their newest “whatever.” They started pushing the Laguna Beach crew down our throats and they played like 5 seconds of video in between telling teens and young adults what overpriced mainstream piece of crap they needed to buy, do, or wear to be like their fave celeb. Just thinking about it makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
Well, all I can say is, “It’s about damn time!” It took them way too long to put TRL out to pasture. But I, much like you, will never forget all the weekdays after school sitting in front of the TV hoping *NSYNC beat out The Backstreet Boys for top spot, or hardly being able to wait to see the world premiere of the new Christina Aguilara video. *Sigh*

Rest In Peace TRL, rest in peace.

Ms. Sassy,
Ok, so I’ve been in love with this girl for a while. She has made it pretty clear that she would rather throw up on her own face and run off a cliff than see me again. I’ve tried sleeping with other women and all that but for some reason whenever I see her, and it happens rarely now but even so I get a kick in my guts. How do guys get members of the opposite sex out of their heads when keeping them there is completely ridiculous and unhealthy?
-Do I Need A Lobotomy

-Do I Need A Lobotomy,
I really do feel for you. I think we’ve all been victims of unrequited love at one time or another. Honestly, there’s no easy way to get this woman out of your head. You have two options. Option one is to pursue her until you finally break her will. Swallow your pride and get ready to have your heart stomped on if you choose this option. But it could work, sometimes it takes people a little while to recognize what’s right in front of their face. Be your charming funny fantabulous self and after awhile she’ll realize that she’s developed a little crush on you. Option number two…fake it till you make it. I know it sounds cliché but people say it for a reason. It really does work. Just tell yourself how great you are and that it’s her lose if she can’t see it. Then go out and do all the things you love to do. Keep yourself occupied. It’ll happen in no time that one day you’ll wake up and realize that you’re totally over her, and you will have kept your frontal lobe.
-Ms. Sassy

Woo Hoo! It’s Friday, which means you made it through the week. What better way to celebrate then by planning a weekend romp between the sheets with your favorite guy or girl? Friday is also the unveiling of the Sassy Sex Position of the Week! This weekend try out the Scissors position. I know It’s kind of basic, but the reason I’m sharing it is because I’ve never seen the Scissor position used by a heterosexual couple. In every lesbian porn I’ve ever watched I have seen them put this sexual position to work, and I have to say it looks super hot, but never have I seen a penis and a vagina come into contact via this pose. Check the video re-enactment of this super steamy sexual position. And of course, check out Sassy Sex next Friday to see what position makes the pick.